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I masturbated to orgasm for the first time when I was 12½ years old. According to my journal, it happened in July during the summer break between sixth and seventh grade. I was washing my small amount of pubic hair with shampoo when I noticed that my penis began to get erect. I started to rub it by holding it between both of my hands and moving them in opposite directions, like the way a person would rub a stick to try to light a campfire. It felt very different than I had remembered it feeling just a few months earlier. Soon, I felt my penis becoming very sensitive, almost ticklish. It felt like I was going to urinate but more intense. Since I was in the bathroom anyway, I wasn't that concerned if I did actually urinate so I kept rubbing myself. It eventually got to the point where I almost couldn't stand the sensational feeling of it anymore without yelling or something. Suddenly, a small amount semen shot out from the soap bubbles. My penis immediately went flaccid and became too sensitive to touch anymore. I had this weird feeling of relaxation afterwards that kind of scared me. I felt sort of guilty -- like I was messing around with something that I shouldn't be.
I understood what happened when I ejaculated because a couple of years ago, I asked an older teenage neighbor what 'semen' was. I heard the word used by adults but found they weren't very willing to tell me what it was. My neighbor explained everything to me but I still didn't understand. I couldn't understand how semen, sperm, ejaculation, and orgasm occurred at the same time. I kept asking him to show me what it looked like so he finally did.
Although I knew what it was like to see someone masturbate to orgasm, I was still very shocked by the feeling of it when it actually happened to me. I felt like I just passed on to some new stage of adulthood, which I didn't think I was quite ready for. Sure, I played with my penis before but it never shot out semen like that. I thought it would just be a one-time thing. I assumed I could still play with myself but quit before I exploded like that. However, about two days later, I had the urge to soap myself up in the bathroom again. I planned to stop before the sperm squirted out but when I got near the climax, it felt so good I just kept going.
Sometimes I would try to quit masturbating because I wasn't sure if it was OK to do every day but the urge always got to be so strong that I simply had to do it. I used the same hand method I mentioned above until I was about 14. During the first couple of years, I really only enjoyed the feeling that came right before the ejaculation. The 'lighting-a-campfire-with-sticks' hand method I was using started to cause too much friction, which made my penis overly sensitive. I had great difficulty trying to continue rubbing during or after orgasm.
I stopped using this method for that reason. Instead, I found that I could put on an old pair of sweat pants or pajamas and rub my penis through the cloth with my knuckles. I also used the method of wrapping my index finger and thumb around the head of my penis and rubbing up and down. Both of these methods enabled me to continue stroking all the way through the ejaculation and after orgasm. This really enabled me to feel the full relaxation effect afterwards and helped me increase the intensity of the whole experience. It also became more comfortable at this time to masturbate in my bedroom rather than in the bathroom. But while in my bedroom, I remember I really dreaded getting caught by my parents. This created quite a sense of paranoia and some minor schizotypal symptoms.
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From age 12, into my early teens, I was extremely paranoid about my parents, doctors, and friends finding out that I masturbated. I thought my parents would walk into my room and catch me so I locked the door. Then I thought that if they tried to open the door and it was locked, they would think I was up to something worse than masturbating. I would have scary dreams that my parents walked in on me. Some were so vivid that I was convinced it really happened the next day. My parents had always been open about sex and sexuality so I didn't think they would punish me. However, they didn't really say much about masturbation so I feared the unknown reaction I would get and the embarrassment I would have from getting caught in the act. I wasn't sure if I would be sent to a sex therapist or have to go to some other kind of rehabilitation.
It may sound strange but I believed doctors could tell I was a masturbator from examining me. Once, I heard on the news that physicians were testifying in a court case to help prove that a young girl was raped. The doctors examined her vagina to see if there was injury or semen inside. The report said that they could tell from a small piece of skin called the hymen (also referred to as the 'cherry') that the girl had recently been recently penetrated. After I heard this, I figured that doctors could definitely tell if I had ejaculated by examining my penis. I noticed it was getting longer and thicker during the past few months and I thought it may be because of my daily masturbation. I also thought I noticed I had more pubic hair than some of the other boys in the locker room so I assumed it was because I masturbated more often. When I was about 13, I thought I must be too young to be having ejaculations everyday. I thought the doctors might embarrass me or tell my parents.
I feared my friends would be able to tell also. I thought I might act different or walk different after masturbating. I remember my peers accusing me of doing it and I didn't say anything to defend myself because I knew it was true. I tried to quit altogether a few times. This only ever lasted a couple of days or a week at most. Soon, I realized that they teased the other guys about it just as much. Now I can see that my peers only made those kinds of comments to get a reaction out of me. They didn't seem all that serious about it so the negative feelings from their comments passed quickly. They probably just wanted to see if I was engaging in masturbation as much as they were.
When I was about 14, I remember one of my friends asking me if I did it. I did not deny it or confirm it. I was silent for a minute. Then, with a smirk, I said, "No comment." I was still a bit insecure about the whole topic and there were other issues involved. He was a little younger and our parents knew each other so I didn't want them to find out I told him anything about sexual topics. I thought he was too young to understand it but he understood what the real story was. He kind of laughed and said, "Yeah... I know." Little did he know, he helped me more than anyone to accept the fact that masturbation was something I liked and something I would be doing for a long time into the future.
The more educated I became on the topic, the better I felt about it. I went to my local library and researched masturbation. There wasn't much of an Internet back then so the library was my best source of knowledge. I found out that almost all males who have been though puberty have masturbated at some point in their life and a lot of guys do it regularly. I came to accept the fact that since most people masturbate, everyone probably assumed I did it too. When this became my attitude, I began to enjoy the whole experience a lot more. I became more relaxed with the idea that it was just part of having an adult male body.
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When I was about 15, my penis had grown to a long enough length that I could wrap my whole fist around it and stroke up and down comfortably. This has been my preferred method ever since. I recall looking in the mirror while holding the erect shaft of my penis and being surprised by how big I got since the year before. I started to appreciate the massaging experience for the act itself rather than just for a relief of sexual tension. I began using the 'stop-and-go' method. I would bring myself very close to ejaculation, stop for a minute, and then begin stroking only the shaft of the penis to prolong the feeling just before orgasm. Masturbation had become daily by this time. Sometimes it occurred two or three times per day.
I remember trying to quit altogether a few times at age 16 because I heard a couple of guys in school say how masturbation was only something 12 year olds did. Strangely enough, when I was 12, I thought I was far too young to be doing it, yet now I was suddenly too old to be doing it? The paradox confused me. I tried to outgrow it but after a few days with no orgasm, I always had to let it go.
The longest I ever went without orgasm was two weeks. However, I did not actually stop masturbating. I just stopped letting it fully ejaculate during that time period. After a period of anxiety over this issue, I saw my older cousin masturbating. I concluded that it was still OK to do it at my age or at any age. Later, I learned in health class that masturbation was not harmful or abnormal for anyone. I also remember them saying that the frequency of masturbation and sex drive would peek, and then decrease somewhat by the late teens or twenties. They said we shouldn't worry if we masturbated too much because it would eventually become less often. (I am still wondering when the frequency and drive will peak, then become less often for me.)
By my late teens, I really began to enjoy the sensation of my whole body, not just the feeling of my penis. I would try masturbating while wearing new clothes sometimes. I would get completely naked while sprawled out on my bed and show it off as I pretended someone else was watching me. I tried it outdoors in the woods. I tried sneaking a session in the bathroom at school. I also remember rubbing myself to orgasm through my pants while driving my car. I still do some of these experiments from time to time. It's like it's just fun to get away with getting off in a unique way once in a while.
I had two really strange places I did it. These were both only one-time experiences. Once was when I was reading about sex and masturbation in the public library. I went to the men's room and masturbated into the urinal. The other time was when I went to a port-a-potty and found it to be surprisingly very clean. It was like it was brand new. I had the feeling that I was the very first one ever in there. I found this very erotic for some reason. I also had this very pronounced primal instinctual urge to leave my mark there. I guess peeing just wasn't enough of a mark.
I find these two experiences rather strange because they were in public rest rooms. I never had a fantasy about rest rooms and rarely ever got aroused in them. I have a bit of trouble understanding why I had such a strong urge on those two occasions that were a couple of years apart.
I had sexual contact for the first time with a girl at age 18. It seemed like a lot of other guys my age had sex with girls before me but I'm glad I waited. Looking back, sometimes think I should have waited longer. I figured masturbation would decrease after I was no longer a virgin but it didn't. Sex with a girl just gave me more things to picture in my mind when I was alone. Plus, I now knew what the sexual motion really felt like and could easily imitate that feeling. If I wanted, I could simulate real sex by using lubrication or by laying on my stomach and rubbing my penis on the mattress.
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At age 19, I lived in the college dorms for a semester. I found it difficult to have comfortable masturbation there. I had a very weird roommate. I didn't want to see him masturbate or have him catch me in the act. I remember hearing guys do it in the showers, which they seemed to enjoy, but I had trouble masturbating comfortably while standing up. We had privacy shower stalls but I distinctly remember hearing the rhythmic sloshing sound of their soapy-hand-to-penis action. After about three to five minutes of that rhythm, I would hear a gasp or a loud 'UGH!' sound when they ejaculated.
Once in a while, I would go down to the boiler room where there was an old weight-lifting-bench that nobody ever used. I saw dried semen there so I knew someone else had done it there too. I used to like to think about who(m) it could have been that did it there before me. However, I was afraid to go there too often because I knew I would get caught sooner or later. Sometimes I would go to a bathroom in another building that was always unoccupied but it smelled like a hospital and wasn't very comfortable. With nowhere else left to go, I frequently found privacy in my car during my year at the dorms. I could make all the noise I wanted but it just wasn't the same as being at home. When I finally returned home from the dorms, I was thrilled to have my space and my privacy back.
Breathing control really enhances the experience, but I certainly would not advocate any dangerous such as experiments with plastic bags, rope, etc. Sometimes, I hold my breath at the end instead of breathing heavy. Instead of holding my hand still, when I feel the ejaculation coming on I continue to rub up and down at variable speeds. I hold my breath for a minute or more and then let out a big gasp as I come to orgasm. I find it intriguing to experiment with breathing but I was astounded to learn that some people strangle or smother themselves while masturbating. I suppose they have an asphyxiation fetish.
Another awesome feeling I've had is when I tighten up every muscle in my body once I feel the orgasm coming. I start with tightening up the muscles in my rear end, then all over my body, then all my face muscles. I tighten everything as much as I can while I am approaching the orgasm. Once I ejaculate, I let all the muscles relax at once. This can be an excellent stress reliever.
I truly feel I reach ultimate perfection when I repeat the stop-and-go method over and over until I get to the point where my body feels like it's going to explode into ejaculation no matter what. I like the times when I start to go at it again after a break and it takes only one slow, long, firm stroke to the shaft to send me into an ejaculatory eruption. Tightening all the muscles, holding the breath, or breathing heavy are auxiliary techniques that I have applied to both masturbation and sex with a partner. I always have to keep in mind that if I try to follow these written instructions exactly, it can distract me from having a good orgasm. I tend to get distracted with too many instructions and loose sensitivity, especially if it's the first few times I try a new method. I guess it's best to think about what is arousing rather than technique instructions. I assume anyone who engages in such types of pleasuring comes up with their own personal variation.
A few times, I got into discussing masturbation on the Internet chat rooms and message boards. I wasn't very much interested in cyber-sex or finding a partner online but I was curious about other people's masturbation habits. I guess I just wanted to reaffirm that I was 'normal'. Lots of people seem to ask: How much masturbation is too much? I think it's a difficult question to answer because someone could experience three or more orgasms per day but spend less than an hour in total masturbation time. On the other hand, they could masturbate for hours and only achieve one actual orgasm.
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I believe some type of physical activity is important or else I become reduced to constant isolation, which for me leads to constant masturbation. Sitting around all day at work or school, then masturbating with all my free time is not going to be healthy for my mind or body. I had to take the actions I took to get over the problem. This topic will be discussed in greater detail in future sections within this text (Section 16).
At this point in my life, I think it is more important to question what I'm thinking about or 'lusting for' when masturbating rather than worrying about if or how much I do it. I've found that I can build quite an unhealthy desire for people that I can never have sex with by becoming obsessed with individuals or pornographic images.
I think I also developed a complex when I obsessed over the jealous thoughts of attempting to become similar to another male who I would idolize during masturbation. It's the ultimate identity crisis when we try to give up our own identity to assume someone else's.
I find that the healthiest masturbation occurs when I think of imaginary
people, generic bodies, or when I concentrate on my own physical perception.
I try to concentrate on the sensation of the masturbation itself rather than
to lust over what I can't have. I have found that the intensity of the orgasm
has increased dramatically since my early teen years. Mental control of the
timing and level of orgasm is better than ever before. Masturbation looses
some of its novelty with age but there is a nice tradeoff because we can
gain so much orgasmic intensity if we apply a creative and open mind to the
activity of it. When I got past my teenage years, my sex drive was more
controllable. However, my libido became more powerful in a such a way that
it made me realize that masturbation would probably be something that was
going to be part of my overall life. I have come to accept that it's simply
something that feels like one of the ultimate intimate forms of personal
expression. It's probably the only thing in this world that feels good and
also won't kill you if you do it too much.
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