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I worked night shift at a convenience store when I moved back in with my parents. After a few months, a guy named J.J. came looking for work at the same store. As the unofficial manager, I interviewed him and basically hired him myself. I had known him for many years but he was always seemed like an average kid that lived around the corner from me. Before this, I only talked to him once in a great while. We went to different school districts and we were about four years apart in age. Because he was about four years younger, we never really got to know one another in high school because we were at different phases of life. I remember talking to him once when I was about 17 and he was about 13. He dyed his hair a very strange color and I recall being fascinated with this. I had no desire to do it to myself but I was so curious about him as a person because of it. I didn't see him that often because he had friends his age and I had friends my age. However, when he came to work at my store, I was 23 and he was almost 20. It was different than before because we were both adults now, and the life stages of grade-school were in the distant past.
Immediately, we got along well. We could talk for hours about all the people we both knew from the neighborhood and the jobs we had in the local area. It was like we had known one another very well all our lives but just never knew it. We both worked night shifts so we were awake well into the morning every day. After work, we would spend hours talking, driving around, skateboarding, or whatever the case.
We started a conversation one day about how most homosexual or "gay" people are far too theatrical and dramatical. We both agreed that this was true and we laughed. I mentioned helping an effeminate homosexual that lived in our neighborhood because he was being harassed. Then, he came out with the big line. J.J. told me he was gay. I was not entirely shocked because he never talked about girls, but I was surprised at how certain he was of his gayness. It also came as a surprise to me because there was nothing feminine about him. He presented himself like a straight guy would. I asked him if he was sure he was gay. He confirmed it immediately. Interestingly, this was the only time a guy told me this when I was not completely turned off.
Previously, I had two other friends that told me they were gay just because they wanted to have sex with me. I knew I was simply not interested in them and I made it clear right away. They were very feminine and seemed like they had other gender identity issues. I still remained friends with them because they were nice guys but I was not about to do anything intimate with them.
This time was different though. Later in the same conversation I said, "Well, I am not entirely straight." I explained about how I had fantasized about other guys masturbating since I was about 12. However, that was about as far as my sexual thoughts about males had ever gone. I said that I just didn't know about the other stuff that gay guys did. It had always seemed like a turn-off or like foreign rituals to me. I had a difficult time imagining flirting with another guy and an even more difficult time imagining romantically loving a man. Even with my most attractive male acquaintances, I only ever fantasized about a brotherly type friendship that also involved mutual masturbation sessions.
If I am honest about it, I guess I did feel the same way about J.J. as I did other males I liked as friends. One night, while we were in my car, he told me that he really liked me and that he had a 'crush' on me. I could feel myself blushing but it was dark outside so I'm sure he couldn't tell. I also felt a sinking feeling inside my torso and I started to get an erection. I said, "I really like you too." I put my hand on his arm for a second. I had no idea what else to say or do. I felt awkward and I was glad that we were only about two minutes from his house because I had to drop him off and go home to think this over.
I got the feeling J.J. had some experience with this type of thing before. I felt that he wanted the type of relationship that a male and female would have, except it would be two of the same gender. My plans were a bit different. I couldn't fathom what it would be like to kiss another man or to caress his body in a loving way. All I knew was that I thought it would be very erotic to masturbate independently with a good-looking guy in the same room. Nevertheless, I decided to experiment with him. At first, our priorities were mixed up. He wanted to take things slow in his way, and I wanted to take things slow in my way. He thought kissing should be the first step and I thought seeing each other naked should be the first step.
We had to give and take some of both of our plans if we were both going to get what we wanted out of the relationship. He thought it was wonderful to hug and kiss but I felt rather apathetic about it. At first, it reminded me of giving my father or grandfather one of those platonic-hello-hugs. As the kissing with J.J. became more passionate, I pulled away and explained that there was nothing wrong with him but I just wasn't used to doing that with another guy.
It wasn't long before we masturbated together in the same room, which I thought was great. From masturbating in the presence of another guy who is also doing it, I get this awesome feeling like we are celebrating one of the most genuine aspects of being male. When it comes to the point where I begin to approach orgasm, I have to make this strange and conscious decisions to let my guard down, let go, and ejaculate -- since another guy is right there next to me. It was like I was very aware of every detailed aspect of my rhythm and stages of orgasm. I never got that feeling when masturbating with girls. After we had masturbated together, it seemed like there were no secrets between us, yet we had one secret we held from the world. I achieved a new feeling of acceptance from it. It felt like we were somehow emotionally connected.
However, it soon became more complex than stroking our penises together and watching each other ejaculate. It went further than just comparing penis shapes and seeing who could ejaculate first or who could shoot out more semen. We also began to kiss, caress, cuddle, and fondle each other's bodies every time. Even though I had never planned to go that far with another guy, it didn't matter that I was doing it because the love I felt in our friendship caused me to feel good when I engaged in things that made him feel good.
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It was so different kissing a man instead of a woman. Not only is the facial texture very different, but the whole presence of a man creates a different feeling. I was almost always intoxicated when I did any sexual or romantic things with girls. There was a time when I had to be highly intoxicated to be able to do sexual or romantic things with J.J. but, strangely enough, I gradually started to notice that I didn't have to be drunk out of my mind to feel comfortable with having sexual experiences. He said he really liked oral sex so I allowed him to do this a few times. I never had a man do this to me before him. I think women can get very good at oral sex if you gently train them about what parts are sensitive, what hurts, and what feels good but I guess most men already know these things.
When being intimate with a male, there is the absence of the feeling of dominance or submission, which I kind of missed. I gave him oral sex one time when I was really drunk but I have a feeling that I was not as good at it as he was. I didn't get entirely disgusted or anything but I got too wrapped up in the thought of, "What the heck am I doing?" We both found anal sex uninteresting so it was no surprise that we didn't get very far with that. Since I quit drinking, we tried to fool around a couple of times and I found that I could in fact deal with it sober.
I can't say that I had any immediate revelation of 'finding myself' by experimenting sexually with a man. For the most part, I found great comfort in just talking honestly with him about male oriented topics rather than the sexual actions. Sometimes I think I was open to experimenting more because it was almost like 'the-thing-to-do' in the era and area in which we lived. There was a brief time period that I was into the whole idea of being 'gay' as an identity. Since there were so many stories about homosexuals and bisexuals all over the news, TV shows, and movies during the past ten years, sometimes it just seemed like the 'Gay-Pride-Decade'. Plus, we live just outside a large city, which like most big cities has a considerable percentage of gay population. I learned in psychology class (and confirmed through my own research) that over 30% of all males have had some type of homosexual experience in their life but only 3-7% of the population is exclusively gay. Since I knew all this, plus the fact that I had frequently thought about other guys masturbating, I had good deal of curiosity in my mind about male-male experiences.
I do think there was a problem with all of it though. The man, who I was experimenting with, fell deeply in love with me. I tried to explain to him how it only feels like he is the brother I never had. I would tell him that I tried and I just can't feel romantic about another man like he does. I even had talks with J.J. where I encouraged him to try a girl. In all honesty, I think I was just looking for a guy that I could develop a close brotherly and honest relationship with. He was so honest with me that I felt I could tell him anything and I did. It was a long time since I had a close male friend. I think there is a certain need in most people to have friends who are same gender. It seems to influence my identity quite a bit when I have other male friends that I can relate to and feel related to. Being a shy only child just made this need stronger. J.J. fulfilled the needs I was searching for but I don't think I could quite fill his. At the time that this was written, we are still very good friends. It is way too hard to say how these experiences will affect me overall. Not enough time has passed to determine what will be the end result of all this but I still see him often. We have done some fooling around lately but I feel like I cannot make any long-term commitments to him like he seems to want. Masturbation together is a great feeling but being husband and husband is another story altogether.
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It's about three years after we first met and we're still best friends. I didn't know this in the beginning of our relationship, but it turned out that J.J. is an alcoholic and a heroin addict. I was in recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction before he was so I carried the message to him that there is a solution to addiction. We help each other stay sober. Our relationship is an indescribable bond. We do not have a typical homosexual relationship by any means. We tried to get to know some other men at a gay community center, but we both seem to have difficulty relating to their plights. There are many different types of love but what we have is not definable. A whole book could be written on this topic alone. A few words in a paragraph cannot do the justice of its true reality.
I always had plans for a wife and a family. I also never had a problem performing
sexually with a woman. From what he tells me, J.J. is different when it comes
to these issues. He does not desire a wife and finds it foul to have sex
with a female. As time goes on, it seems he has had an influence on me regarding
this type of thinking. It turns out that in many ways, he can fill my needs
as a lover rather than just a brother or best friend. My quest for finding
the ideal woman has faded. I'm not getting any straighter but I'm not getting
any gayer either. I would still like to have children. There is no telling
what will happen in the future. Once I asked J.J. to marry me, and I gave
him a plastic soda bottle rim as an engagement ring. He immediately said
yes. However, we both know that it is illegal and not practical for two men
to get married. I also have a difficult time imagining myself living together
with him or any other man. Regardless of all these issues, I know I love
him as much as I can love a best friend. I think that is more important than
any sexuality issue or physical intimacy experience.
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