Male Sexuality Questions on Orientation and Sexual Preference

(1e) Q:   I am straight, and I have a straight best friend. I know we love each other, and, I know we have both been turned-on by each other, but, we have never talked about it. Is this normal?
237 A: It depends on how you define "normal". None of us are totally "normal". However, it is true that many males have had these types of feelings at some point in their life. As you probably know, just because you feel this way doesn't mean you have to act on it, unless you want to and feel totally comfortable with it. For more information, you can visit this page: Arousal for other Males.
(2e) Q:   I do not get turned on by women in underwear. However, I get turned on by guys in their underwear. Does this mean I am a homosexual?
238 A:   Not necessarily. Based on that sentence alone, it is hard to assign any labels to you. Plus, only you can determine your sexual preference. A lot more goes into a sexual preference than just seeing people in their underwear. But there is no hurry to figure out your sexuality. It's something you will have to give time.
(3e) Q:   I am very confused ever since I was about 12. I have had homosexual experiences with some of my friends before, but this past summer I had serious sex with one of them. Ever since then, it's all I think about when I fantasize. I do not get turned on by woman, and I'm fairly sure I'm gay. But how do you go about telling your family?
239 A: There are whole books written on that topic. I can't possibly give you a 100% answer on this question. However, I can suggest that you should only tell your family and/or friends about this when you are ready. Many gay people will tell you to come out and tell the world as soon as possible. However, they have forgotten the struggle they had to endure when they were trying to figure out exactly what their sexual preference means to them. They have forgotten what it felt like when they weren't totally sure about all these things. I'm not saying you should stay in the closet if you are gay. However, I am suggesting that you do not rush into anything right this moment because you do not have to do this quickly. Here is a link to a list of sites -- search for "coming out". It may help you figure things out and give you some ideas. But most of these sites can be 'pushy' and a bit liberal (or even radical).
(4e) Q:   It's interesting that sexuality involves more than penises, masturbation, and homosexual issues. Why does this site obsess about these topics? Not to exclude them, but I wonder why there is so much focus on such a shallow level of sexuality? It poses to go deep and raw, but really it doesn't get beyond adolescent questions and into some adult questions. Why not?
240 A: I see your point and I have that same question myself. However, these pages are derived from questions and comments that the readers contribute to the site. I even recently tried shutting the site down for five months and starting over from scratch, but nothing changed much. Sorry, but "the masses" just don't make much of an intellectual demand on the site. I've been doing this work for three years, and it seems to me that our society obsesses over things like penises, masturbation, and homosexual issues. If you have any ideas that can help us appeal to a more adult audience, please contact us through the Suggestions Page. As I said above, we are on the rebound from a five month absence, so we're open to ideas. I'd like to think this site is far from finished.
(5e) Q:   Me and friends sleep over at each other houses. When we get there we all five of us jerk off together. We watch porn. Is this normal?
241 A: Statistically speaking, I can tell you that it is true that many males have done what you described above at some point in their lives. The only way you will be able to determine if it is "normal" is to decide for yourself if it is normal to you. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then maybe it isn't normal. If you are personally OK with it, then I suppose it is OK. It is a personal decision to engage in any activity like that. Lots of people do that kind of thing and don't think anything of it. I don't think there is anything wrong with you because you do this, but that is only my opinion.
(6e) Q:   Is fantasizing about your peers normal? I can't seem to stop doing it. I don't have any feelings for them, but I just end up doing it when I'm alone.
242 A: It can be normal. I suppose it isn't really harmful as long as you don not become obsessed.

(7e) Q:   Often, when I fantazise, I think of some of my best guy friends, and I want them to have oral sex with me. However, I do not want to them, I just want them to do it to me. Could this be a result of not feeling accepted by peers? Does this mean I am a homosexual?
243 A: It might mean you are gay, but probably not. Most men who are heterosexual (straight) have had either thoughts or experiences with this. Plus, just because you have thought about it, doesn't mean you have to actually do it.

(8e) Q:   I sometimes get a heart palpitation or an arousal from seeing young boys ages ranging from 11 to 16 in nothing but a swimming suit. I sometimes draw my own naked pictures of them showing their anatomy. Am I leaning towards pedophilla?
244 A: Assuming that you are older than about 22, I guess you would be leaning towards pedophillia ideas. However, pedophiles usually find sexual attraction to children who have not been through puberty or those who are just beginning development -- such as infants on up to age 12 or 13. But there are those pedophiles who prefer kids in their mid-teens also (but these scenarios may be two different types of problems in reality). From the limited amount of information you provided, there is no way to say if you have a problem, obsession, or a disorder. Just because something caused an arousal doesn't make it tangible. It sounds like you are speaking in abstract concepts when you say you are just "seeing" them or drawing pictures of them. A wise person once told me "feelings aren't facts, they're just feelings". I would be concerned if you feel yourself becoming so obsessed that you have the urge to act on these feelings with a specific individual. If that becomes the case, seek counseling before you do anything sexual with a minor. I wonder what people in your case think about young men who just look boyish? When I was in college, I saw many men who were 20 or 21+ years old but could pass for 15 or 16. Some theories say that true pedophiles are not attracted to the boyish looking 21+ year old type because he would have the mind of a 21+ year old adult. He is not impressionable, controllable, or easily influenced like a younger boy would be.
(9e) Q:   I used to wear my mothers clothes, look at my self in the mirror, and masturbate when I was 8 yrs old. I also had sexual fantasies of guys looking at me in these women's dresses, and I dreams of making out with another male. I don't know what happened but at this time (19 yrs old) I'm not capable of feeling any kind of attraction to the same sex, but I do feel very attracted to a lot of woman. Do you think I was gay but suddenly became straight or were those childhood practices a product of a mental disorder?
245 A: I think they were just 'childhood practices', but not necessarily a 'mental disorder' in the conventional sense of the term. People's sexual preferences can change throughout a person's life. However, they usually stabilize when the individual feels content and complete with who he/she is. It seems like you are very sure of yourself now. There are far more 'confused' people out there.
(10e) Q:   If sexual orientation is a variable that can change throughout a lifetime, is there anyway to prevent an unwanted change or is this variable out of control?
246 A: It seems to be out of our control because there are so many different theories on what causes sexuality to change. However, that is not to say we will never be able to find the answer to how we can cause changes in sexuality. At this time, the only sort of proposal I can find to change sexuality seems to be through spiritual means.

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