Male Sexuality Questions on Orientation and Sexual Preference
(1e) Q:I am straight,
and I have a straight best friend. I know we love each other, and, I know
we have both been turned-on by each other, but, we have never talked about
it. Is this normal? 237 A: It depends on how you define "normal". None of us are totally
"normal". However, it is true that many males have had these types of feelings
at some point in their life. As you probably know, just because you feel
this way doesn't mean you have to act on it, unless you want to and feel
totally comfortable with it. For more information, you can visit this page:
Arousal for other Males.
(2e) Q:I do not
get turned on by women in underwear. However, I get turned on by guys in
their underwear. Does this mean I am a homosexual?
238 A: Not necessarily. Based on that sentence alone, it is
hard to assign any labels to you. Plus, only you can determine your sexual
preference. A lot more goes into a sexual preference than just seeing people
in their underwear. But there is no hurry to figure out your sexuality. It's
something you will have to give time.
(3e) Q:I am very
confused ever since I was about 12. I have had homosexual experiences with
some of my friends before, but this past summer I had serious sex with one
of them. Ever since then, it's all I think about when I fantasize. I do not
get turned on by woman, and I'm fairly sure I'm gay. But how do you go about
telling your family? 239 A: There are whole books written on that topic. I can't possibly
give you a 100% answer on this question. However, I can suggest that you
should only tell your family and/or friends about this when you are ready.
Many gay people will tell you to come out and tell the world as soon as possible.
However, they have forgotten the struggle they had to endure when they were
trying to figure out exactly what their sexual preference means to them.
They have forgotten what it felt like when they weren't totally sure about
all these things. I'm not saying you should stay in the closet if you are
gay. However, I am suggesting that you do not rush into anything right this
moment because you do not have to do this quickly. Here is a link to a list
of sites --
dmoz.org for "coming out". It may help you figure things out and give
you some ideas. But most of these sites can be 'pushy' and a bit liberal
(or even radical).
(4e) Q:It's interesting
that sexuality involves more than penises, masturbation, and homosexual issues.
Why does this site obsess about these topics? Not to exclude them, but I
wonder why there is so much focus on such a shallow level of sexuality? It
poses to go deep and raw, but really it doesn't get beyond adolescent questions
and into some adult questions. Why not? 240 A: I see your point and I have that same question myself. However,
these pages are derived from questions and comments that the readers contribute
to the site. I even recently tried shutting the site down for five months
and starting over from scratch, but nothing changed much. Sorry, but "the
masses" just don't make much of an intellectual demand on the site. I've
been doing this work for three years, and it seems to me that our society
obsesses over things like penises, masturbation, and homosexual issues. If
you have any ideas that can help us appeal to a more adult audience, please
contact us through the
As I said above, we are on the rebound from a five month absence, so we're
open to ideas. I'd like to think this site is far from finished.
(5e) Q: Me and friends
sleep over at each other houses. When we get there we all five of us jerk
off together. We watch porn. Is this normal? 241 A: Statistically speaking, I can tell you that it is true that
many males have done what you described above at some point in their lives.
The only way you will be able to determine if it is "normal" is to decide
for yourself if it is normal to you. If it makes you feel uncomfortable,
then maybe it isn't normal. If you are personally OK with it, then I suppose
it is OK. It is a personal decision to engage in any activity like that.
Lots of people do that kind of thing and don't think anything of it. I don't
think there is anything wrong with you because you do this, but that is only
(6e) Q:Is fantasizing
about your peers normal? I can't seem to stop doing it. I don't have any
feelings for them, but I just end up doing it when I'm alone.
242 A: It can be normal. I suppose it isn't really harmful as long
as you don not become obsessed.
(7e) Q:Often, when
I fantazise, I think of some of my best guy friends, and I want them to have
oral sex with me. However, I do not want to them, I just want them to do
it to me. Could this be a result of not feeling accepted by peers? Does this
mean I am a homosexual? 243 A: It might mean you are gay, but probably not. Most men who are
heterosexual (straight) have had either thoughts or experiences with this.
Plus, just because you have thought about it, doesn't mean you have to actually
do it. (8e) Q:I sometimes
get a heart palpitation or an arousal from seeing young boys ages ranging
from 11 to 16 in nothing but a swimming suit. I sometimes draw my own naked
pictures of them showing their anatomy. Am I leaning towards
pedophilla? 244 A: Assuming that you are older than about 22, I guess you
would be leaning towards pedophillia ideas. However, pedophiles usually find
sexual attraction to children who have not been through puberty or those
who are just beginning development -- such as infants on up to age 12 or
13. But there are those pedophiles who prefer kids in their mid-teens also
(but these scenarios may be two different types of problems in reality).
From the limited amount of information you provided, there is no way to say
if you have a problem, obsession, or a disorder. Just because something caused
an arousal doesn't make it tangible. It sounds like you are speaking in abstract
concepts when you say you are just "seeing" them or drawing pictures of them.
A wise person once told me "feelings aren't facts, they're just feelings".
I would be concerned if you feel yourself becoming so obsessed that you have
the urge to act on these feelings with a specific individual. If that becomes
the case, seek counseling before you do anything sexual with a minor. I wonder
what people in your case think about young men who just look boyish? When
I was in college, I saw many men who were 20 or 21+ years old but could pass
for 15 or 16. Some theories say that true pedophiles are not attracted to
the boyish looking 21+ year old type because he would have the mind of a
21+ year old adult. He is not impressionable, controllable, or easily influenced
like a younger boy would be.
(9e) Q: I used to
wear my mothers clothes, look at my self in the mirror, and masturbate when
I was 8 yrs old. I also had sexual fantasies of guys looking at me in these
women's dresses, and I dreams of making out with another male. I don't know
what happened but at this time (19 yrs old) I'm not capable of feeling any
kind of attraction to the same sex, but I do feel very attracted to a lot
of woman. Do you think I was gay but suddenly became straight or were those
childhood practices a product of a mental disorder? 245 A: I think they were just 'childhood practices', but not necessarily
a 'mental disorder' in the conventional sense of the term. People's sexual
preferences can change throughout a person's life. However, they usually
stabilize when the individual feels content and complete with who he/she
is. It seems like you are very sure of yourself now. There are far more
'confused' people out there.
(10e) Q: If sexual
orientation is a variable that can change throughout a lifetime, is there
anyway to prevent an unwanted change or is this variable out of control?
246 A: It seems to be out of our control because there are so many
different theories on what causes sexuality to change. However, that is not
to say we will never be able to find the answer to how we can cause changes
in sexuality. At this time, the only sort of proposal I can find to change
sexuality seems to be through spiritual means.