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NAME: Bedford Wife QUESTION: I caught my husband masterbating
to porn while using my computer. This has happened several times and we have
actually engaged in many conversations about it, but we are not seeing each
other's point of view. I am not a prude, nor do I think that masterbating
is wrong, however, when he does this it makes me feel like he doesn't want
to be with me, and would rather be with other women. I worry about what this
means for our future because I don't want him to sneak around to do it because
it could lead to other secrets. I want to maintain our honesty within our
marriage. In addition, I want to understand him and why he feels like he
wants to do this. I have expressed how I feel when I find out he is masterbating
on my computer when I am upstairs in our room. Because I am directly upstairs
and in the house I feel it is a flat out rejection towards me personally.
I feel inadequate and unloved. I feel I will never be enough. On top of that,
I work out an hour and a 1/2 a day, I am thin and very attractive, I have
a wonderful job making incredible money, I am a chef beyond his wildest dreams.
I clean our house and just take care of him like a good wife should. I love
that part of my life and I take pride in being the best person I know how
to be. The amazing thing about it is that I have an incredible sex drive.
And I always do things to spice up our marriage sexually. I am by no means
overly obsessive about it. I feel like I am the perfect wife, lover and friend,
and so I take his actions so personal that it makes me feel very insecure.
We can't seem to figure this out together even though our plan is to do some
research to understand it. I have not found any articles or literature on
how male masterbation while married, psychologically affects the married
wife and the marriage as a whole, and I desperately need to find these resources
to better understand myself, and also explain this to my husband in a more
clear and rational manner with regards to how this personally affects my
self image. I just want to understand this in a more logical way because
I can see this turning into a huge problem. It is simply amazing to me that
women can try to be everything and it is not enough. I blame myself for taking
on this pressure to be something that is seemingly impossible, but at the
same time I also blame our society for raising the bar so much that it is
virtually impossible to compete. ANSWER: (1) The act of male masturbation in and of itself does not
mean that a man does not love his wife. Nor does it mean that his wife is
not pleasing him sexually. These masturbation habits begin in the teenage
years. However, I can also say he is probably being a little bit selfish
by not compromising with you or at least trying to be a little more discrete.
There is s difference between being secretive and being discrete. (2) It
sounds like you try very hard to make him happy. Don't try any harder than
you already are. It sounds like there is more going on in this marriage that
you are worried about than just his masturbation. (3) Taking into consideration
the length of your letter, you may wish to consult a professional person
to really talk this out if it continues to be a problem for you. More information
on Why a Husband
or Boyfriend May Still be MasturbatingNAME: Worried Girlfriend QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have a perfect
relationship, our sex life is great as well, but now that we've moved in
together, I've noticed that he masterbates during the night, when he thinks
I'm sleeping. He does it, maybe, 3 times a week, does this mean I'm not
fulfilling his needs? I almost feel obligated to have sex more often so he
won't have to masterbate, but I do know it's normal. I just feel awkward
being right there and he has to do it. Am I just worrying too much? How should
I look at this without feeling like I 'm being a bad girlfriend? ANSWER: Yes, you are worrying about it too much, but there is a reason
for your worry. If you feel excluded or rejected, you may wish to include
yourself in his masturbation. Rather than confront him with your concern,
it might be more productive to take an an active interest in it (if you feel
inclined to do so). If you have no interest in his masturbation, leave it
at that, and let him do it by himself. If he is extremely embarrassed by
your interest, you might want to leave it go. Do not make this issue a major
issue in the relationship. It sounds like your relationship is good and his
masturbation three times a week leaves lots of room for a healthy sex life.
You're not being a bad partner at all. It sounds like to me like you are
genuinely concerned. Please see the page
http://male101.com/edi/husband-masturbation.html NAME: (Anonymous) QUESTION: Why do men and women masterbate
when they can have sex? ANSWER: Many people consider sex and masturbation two different
experiences that fill different personal needs and drives. Sex is also not
always convenient or available during some periods of sexual arousal. Please
see the page
http://male101.com/edi/husband-masturbation.html NAME: Lynn QUESTION: My husband masturbates 2-3
times a week while we are still having sex 2-3 x's. He hides and lies about
this because he knows I don't agree with it when it interferes with our sex
life. Is this a real problem or am I being unrealistic? ANSWER: I can't say he should stop masturbating because that is very
unrealistic. You seem to have a reasonably average sex life, but it's is
not for me to determine whether you require more sex and attention. I can
say that there should be no lying about the fact that he masturbates because
in this day and age it is well-known that men do this sort of activity from
time to time, even when in relationships and marriages. He may require privacy
to masturbate, but to be hiding and lying is a little extreme. It all comes
down to this -- You both need to compromise a little to make it work out
for both of you.
NAME: Dog chasing his tail QUESTION: (1) I am a survivor of adolescent
sexual abuse.I am now 32 and engaged to a great lady who I love very much.
I find that my sexual appetite is as strong as ever and require sex or
masturbation at least twice daily (usually morning and night). My problem
is this: She doesn't want it as much as I do, yet many times when we do have
sex, I have erection difficulties. My mind and heart are in it, but my penis
goes numb; even during masturbation. She also doesn't care for some of my
requests which I believe she finds deviant (ie. anal play for each, oral
sex, water sports). She has told me that she has tried some of these things
in the past with other lovers, but she won't try them with me. I am saddened
by the fact that she seems to be growing distant to me and/or uses sex as
a form of punishment (not giving it to me). I end up quite often using
pornographic materials to satisfy myself more often than not. Am I a sicko?
Is she frigid? And can we still have a good marriage ahead of us? ANSWER: You're not a sicko. Relax and take things slowly with your
partner. But if you feel as bad as you said above, you could probably find
a more understanding partner who you could love equally in amount. If she
says she wants to "punish" you sexually, it is very possible that is not
a good sexual relationship, unless you enjoy that kind of thing. Obviously,
we cannot see you or your partner or decide the future of relationships based
on one paragraph of a question on a website.
NAME: Barney QUESTION: I am recently divorced, and
my wife was the only woman I was able to be sexual with: before her, I had
difficulty having erections in front of women. During our separation, I became
involved with another woman: I would be very aroused while kissing and foreplay,
as long as I was wearing pants, but when we would undress, I would lose my
erection. Only more recently have I been able to have sex with my new partner,
but my erections are not as hard as they have been in the past. I think of
them as "soft" erections, although the experience is still pleasurable. With
my wife, I always had very hard erections as soon as we would undress. Now,
I need my girlfriend to stroke me until I get hard enough that she can insert
my penis inside her, and sometimes I cannot tell if I am hard or not, which
was never the case before. We have only had sex three times now: the first
time I was too inhibited to ejaculate, the second and third times I was able
to ejaculate, but I couldn't get an erection again during a fourth experience.
All of this happened within the span of a few days, and now my penis is rather
sore from her jerking on me to get me hard. I was puzzled that my erections
aren't as hard as they used to be, but now I'm also worried that I could
have sustained damage from the somewhat rough masturbation she would give
me before intercourse: it was rough because the only lubricant she used was
her spit. Please let me know if you have any insights or advice for me.
ANSWER: You probably only received temporary damage to your penis
from "wear and tear". Within a few days it should be better. Rough masturbation
can cause what you described. But for it to be permanent, it would have to
have damaged the corpus cavernosa. You would have definitely known it at
the time it occurred if that was the case. The "wear and tear" type injuries
always heal. Your other problem seems to be a longer term issue of psychological
performance. You have difficulty getting the erections you desire due to
being uncomfortable, worried, or anxious. You may not even feel the anxiety
in any other way. Sometimes just the penis gets "nervous" and the guy can't
figure out what's wrong. Actually, there is nothing wrong with you. You need
to be patient, relax as much as possible, take time to really get to know
your partner, and build a trusting relationship. This is not a bad thing
at all. Those inhibitions are there for a reason, and they will become less
with continued familiarity. I think it shows you have much more sensitivity
than someone who can be promiscuous and have sex with anything breathing.
You mentioned not having a problem with erections when you're wearing your
pants. This is a very good sign that your problem is only temporary. Until
you feel more comfortable, try "dry humping" (going through sexual motions
while rubbing bodies together while clothed). The keys to solving your worries
will be experimentation with this partner, patience, relaxation, and trust. NAME: William QUESTION: I recently have had sex for
the first time with my second sexual partner. Before now, it had been quite
a while since I had had sex, but during intercourse with her, I couldn't
seem to feel as much as I used to, as though her vaginal cavity were bigger
and wetter than what I've experienced. I was still able to get off. Then,
afterward, I asked her how it was for her, and she said very candidly, "It
was all right. I didn't orgasm." I found this somewhat hurtful, although
honest. She proceeded to explain to me that with some men, she is unable
to reach orgasm in the missionary position. But from the way she explained
it, I got the impression that she was saying that she can only orgasm in
that position with a very well-endowed man. I found this troubling, as my
penis looks to be about six inches long (I even measured it) when erect.
All I can think of is that my penis is not that thick in girth, but I'm
frustrated because I think she's convinced that I have a small penis, when
I know that I'm normal if not long. (My last partner was always telling me
how big I was.) Is it that she is too loose? ANSWER: There is nothing wrong with the size of your penis. Many times
men have concerns early on in relationships that simply take time to cure.
Every human body (and vagina) is different, and some will take more time
than others to learn how to hit the right spots. This will take time
on behalf of you and your partner. You will have to try a variety of sexual
positions. If she is not willing to learn with you, then she is probably
not a good partner for you. NAME: Worried Guy QUESTION: When I masturbate, I look at
magazines of beautiful women and fantasize that I am one of them so that
I can orgasm. I don't actually want to be a woman, but I rely on fantasies
of this nature so that I can ejaculate. I've done this during sex, too. Is
this unusual? If I require these thoughts to reach orgasm, will I ever be
able to have sex without relying on these thoughts? They make me feel intensely
guilty and ashamed. ANSWER: If you say you don't want to be a woman, you are probably
not having these thoughts due to gender dysphoria. I think most men have
some fantasies that cause them to orgasm in which they are ashamed. Some
men fantasize about certain embarrassing activities. Others fantasize about
someone else besides the partner they truly love. It sounds like you may
be caught up in the effects of the visualization of a beautiful woman so
much that is causes you to put yourself in her place. In many ways, it's
not so strange. FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: To give more background
on the above entry, when I was a kid, my mom put some of her clothes in my
room, and I used to wear them when I would play dress-up. Later when I was
an adolescent, I would wear her clothes and become sexually aroused: when
I learned about masturbation, I would later masturbate after wearing her
clothes. I understand this is called transvestism. But at this point in my
life, I no longer have any desire to wear women's clothes (during my marriage
I never had a desire to wear my wife's clothes, which were available to me),
yet the fantasies of imagining that I'm a woman when I masturbate have persisted
ever since. I know that I don't actually want to be a woman and that I'm
not gay, as I have carefully thought this over for years. My concern is that
because the orgasms in my formative years were triggered by fantasies of
this nature, that they are the "trigger" in my mind that permits me to orgasm,
and that with so many recurrences over the years this pattern is entrenched
in my thoughts. ANSWER: Yes, what you are saying is true with regard to triggers and
entrenched thoughts (patterns of thinking). But the detailed self-analysis
makes it more profound for you. Therefore, it becomes harder to deal with
in your mind. You could go to a counselor that has considerable experience
to try to cognitively change the way you are thinking. However, if you are
honestly as sure and secure with your sexual preference as you say, it doesn't
sound to me like it would be worth trying to change. If your problem is really
only the guilt and shame behind these thoughts, I can tell you that most
of us have had these guilt and shame feelings regarding any number of fantasies
or "triggers". If you have a more general problem with guilt and shame in
other parts of your life, I would again suggest the counseling. If you do
choose to go to counseling, be open minded to seeing more than one professional
if your first choice does not help you achieve the results you desire. NAME: Pauly 184 QUESTION: This happened to me about
three years ago, but I don't know if this has relevance to this site or not.
What happened to me was I was at a shoe store, which was at a shopping center.
I was trying on a pair of sandals, I was wearing athletic shorts that particular
day, and there were two young ladies (about high school age)helping me out
trying on them. When I slipped one of the sandals on my feet, I had an erection,
in front of them. As I stood up from the bench, where I was sitting on, I
straightened out my shorts, because they were crooked. I didn't make any
purchases, and I thought nothing about the erection. However, I returned
to the store about a month later, just to browse around, after I left the
store, and I was heading to the center court area of the mall, a security
officer stopped me, and I was detained by two security officers and they
refused to tell me what I did. About 5 minutes later, two police officers
(And one officer had to be a lady) escorted me back to the area of the store.
THe lady officer asked the questions about what happened, which I wasn't
aware of. When she returned she said I was masturbating in the store, and
showing lewd and behavior. I know I wasn't masturbating in the store, and
they said it was on camera, and they refused to showed it (the tape) to me.
THe women officer wanted me to admit I was masturbating, or it was jail time.
She was asking me personal questions, which were: "How long was your hand
on your penis?" (my hand was NOT on my penis)and "Did you ejaculate?" I never
showed off my genitals at all, and I do not know what these young ladies
were thinking. Also I was banned from the shopping center for 1 year. (I
never returned because of this embarrassing issue) Fortunately, when I went
to court the charges were dropped, because it was so unclear they couldn't
figure it out. (Doing something and being cited a month later) ANd what I
don't understand, why did the store wait a month later to write me up with
a citation? Is there a way for me to avoid this from happening again? (Having
an unexpected erection in the front of anybody, especially ladies?) I am
afraid it is going to happen again! I do not want to have this happen again!
If you can help me about this, or are you unable to? ANSWER: You could wear a jock-strap style thing to keep it from showing.
However, I think you should have been a little more aware of your erection
in front of the underage girls. Personally, if something like that happened
to me, I would have known before I got fully erect that I might be making
some sort of scene. I would have left the store, sat down until the erection
went away... or something. I think you could have used better judgment when
you felt the erection coming on in the very beginning.
NAME: asbefore 191 QUESTION: Lately, I been noticing
my girlfriend's 13 year old daughter checking me out. I am a 28 y/o male.
The daughter is always looking at my penis area, chest, and is always trying
to touch and wrestle with me. She barely said a word to me before. Now she
is my best buddy it seems. I also caught her masturbating three times out
in the living room area as if she wanted me to walk in on her. I told her
mother but that started more fire with denial. What should I do? ANSWER: It sounds like you need to set some boundaries in this
relationship with a minor. You're the adult. She is a curious and confused
kid. Personally, I would avoid unusual physical contact such as wrestling
or rough-housing. That stuff can turn into playing games that involve her
grabbing you in the private areas. If you respond with affection or arousal
unintentionally, she will most likely play "victim" as soon as she starts
to feel uncomfortable. If a young kid plays victim, everyone tends to hold
the adult accountable.
A lot of what she is experiencing has to do with her new found attraction
to males combined with a latent urge to be a "tom boy" (with the touching
and wrestling). On top of that, she is probably experiencing a bit
of "jealous passion" because her mom has an attractive boyfriend. Thirteen
year old girls are a bundle of emotional baggage. Be careful not to become
her "private counselor" or "secret confidant". She needs girls her age
to fulfill those interpersonal roles. Having said all that, I don't expect
you to be mean or entirely distant and rigid when you visit her. If needed,
carefully explain to her that you are almost old enough to be her father
and that you need to be her "uncle" or "step-father" rather than her
playmate.
If you catch her on display with masturbation or nudity, it is best to avoid
reacting -- either positively or negatively to it. If you have to say something
when confronted with such situations, it's a good idea to say, "You really
need to keep the door closed." or "You should be in your bedroom when you're
in that condition." If she doesn't respond to those warnings after a few
times, you'll need to return to communication with her mother about the
situation(s). Now that you know more about this sort of thing, it might be
easier to communicate with her mother with a neutral attitude (if it comes
down to that again).
Since she already admires you, I think you have the opportunity to be an
excellent male role model to this young girl now and in the future. Please
use that opportunity wisely. NAME: bobbie 205 QUESTION: (1) I am 52 years old and
have masturbated since puberty. Since my wife died nine years ago, I have
had marathon masturbation sessions and can even go three hours before coming,
and at least one hour is quite common. I feel OK about this, and am finding
that I enjoy the journey to orgasm almost as much as the orgasm itself. Is
there anything wrong with this? I do have a lady partner now and we can go
for two or three hours with her having several orgasms before I come. My
orgasms don't feel quite as intense as they used to. (2) Finally, I have
this fantasy about being watched during sex and would like to have a video
of me doing same. Do you think it's OK to ask around my friends to see who
would be interested? ANSWER: (1) In this case, you will have to compare yourself now to
yourself before. Looking back on your life, it should be easy to determine
if you are content with yourself now. I really don't sense any complaints
in your questions other than the fact that you say your orgasms are not as
intense. That could be caused by your increased level of masturbation, but
it may not be the cause either. You might want to experiment to find out:
If you masturbate less, do your orgasms become more intense? I wouldn't give
you advice to change whatever you are doing now unless you feel you need
to change it. The fact that you are 52 is basically irrelevant. Expression
of masturbation and sexuality can increase, decrease, and level out at any
time during a man's life depending on his personal circumstances. (2) As
far as being watched and video taped, you should use some caution and take
the approach slowly. Just because you have the idea does not mean you would
be truly comfortable with it in reality. I'm not trying to discourage you
from doing this, but since you are asking the question, there may be some
doubt in your mind as to whether this is really something you want to do
in real life.
